I blogged a lot about the journey after my daughter was born. It’s not meant to impress anybody, but it was more of an outlet for me. It was my way of dealing and coping with what life threw at me.
I’ve never really experienced depression before. As a social worker I dealt with it a lot, but never really knew the magnitude of depression or how it really affects someone’s life. I always thought “they really need to just get over it.” That was until I went through it myself. I really saw what it was like, still even until this day to feel like there was this constant weight on your shoulder’s, there was always that one thing dragging you behind.
I used to have a body to die for. Then I blew up like a blow fish. The day I delivered my child I weighed 389 pounds. I hated the way I looked. I still to this day do not understand how my husband could stand to sleep with me. I have only lost about 59 pounds, and my self worth is absolute shit.
There is also the under lying factor that I feel like a failure. I gave birth to a very sick little girl. Until this day they still do not know what caused her to be so sick. It could have been missed gestational diabetes, it could have been from having an infection that was never treated, but nobody knows. How could I not blame myself? I had one job, and it was to make sure that little girl was safe, even inside me, and I failed at it. Maybe I ate too much, actually I know I did. I was a mess. I am a mess. If that didn’t make me feel shitty enough, lets also talk about the fact that I was unable to breast feed like I wanted. I didn’t pump as much as I should, I gave up on trying to get her to latch. I will almost never forgive myself for it.
I remember a low point was in July I believe when one of my best freinds gave birth to her daughter. I sat in the room with her, awing over this beautiful baby girl that she just gave birth to less then 24 hours ago. Then I saw her breast feed, and it was like a flood of emotions had overcame me. Why? Why was everything so difficult for us to haver a healthy baby? Why can’t I just get the hell over whatever the hell this was? Why wasn’t I able to keep up with breast feeding, and pumping? But most importantly why the fuck couldn’t I be happy for my best freind? The answer I think is I just wanted to have a normal pregnancy. My therapist, and my husband both tell me that I just basically need to accept it for what it is, and be grateful for the way things turned out, but I can’t.
Maybe I am just being selfish. I don’t know what it is. I know that I still cant watch that god damned Huggies commercial that sings the lullaby “we all need a hug in the morning, and one at the end of the day, it’s my belief that for instant relief, a hug is the best thing of all.” Yeah, I hate that commercial. Instant tears every.fucking.time. Two of my freinds are pregnant right now, and I can’t even bring myself to go to one of their showers. I did push myself to go to one, but I was just sad. What the hell is wrong with me that I can’t just be happy for someone being pregnant? I have a beautiful little girl, but its like I am not happy for anyone or anything anymore.
I wish I could get over it. I read other blogs, and honestly I feel like I am whining. I feel like other mother’s had babies in the NICU for four five and six months. My daughter was only in the NICU for one month. It just doens’t change the fact that she almost died and essentially it was my fault one way or another.
I refuse to take medication for the depression, but I am pretty sure my husband just wishes I would. I go to therapy, and my therapist is pretty bad ass, but I find myself rambling on about shit that isn’t really contributing to why I am so depressed. It’s like a no go zone for me. I remember mentioning to family members that I am still depressed but they have been very passive towards it, as if I need to get over things already.
I just don’t know how to get over these things. I wish I had words of wisdom to offer here. But I don’t, just some bad grammar, and me whining.
All I know is that I have a little girl that needs me, and I have to pull my shit together in order to ensure that she has the happiest life possible. That is my job, and it’s one I can’t fail at.